Auxilio Ab Alto

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2009-01-22T19:51:00.000-08:00

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Erin: 1, Bar Exam: 0

2008-11-21T23:35:00.000-08:00

I PASSED THE CALIFORNIA BAR EXAM!!

I am unbelievably excited, and still a little in shock. What a great night!!

My non-law friends and I all got together at the Bluefoot Bar (really cool laid back bar, fyi) for some pre-results novocaine, and anxiously waited until all of our group was there before I checked my results. The results were available at 6pm, but one of them didn't get to the bar utnil 6:30ish when she got off work, so it took an amazing amount of restraint to not check my results for every minute after 6pm that the clock ticked by. I wanted to make sure each of my friends was there though, since they've all been so incredibly supportive of me as I went through the whole bar exam process.

I used my iPhone to log onto the CA Bar website. Before I checked my results, we all said a quick prayer together, and then I had a friend read me my applicant and file numbers, since I didn't trust myself to do it. I nervously typed them in, pushed the 'submit' button, and closed my eyes, heart beating fast. I gave the page a few seconds to load, opened my eyes, and saw "The name above appears on the pass list for the July 2008 bar exam" below my name.

When I saw that, I let out the loudest shriek my body has ever produced. My friends immediately knew what that primal noise meant, and they erupted into screams and cheers too. All the people around us in the bar either knew beforehand that I was about to check my results, or were told amidst the screaming, so everyone around us started clapping and cheering too! Then my friends broke out in a random, happy and impromptu round of "happy birthday"...but sang "happy lawyer day" instead :-)

I was still shrieking and half laughing, half crying, but I didn't fully believe that I had passed, so I made a friend log back into the system with my login information, just to make sure I hadn't messed it up. I still think part of me will doubt that I actually passed, until I get my hard copy notice telling me that I passed, in the mail. Hopefully it'll come tomorrow! After calling or texting pretty much every number in my phone (producing some hilarious results, like "That's great that you passed! Who the hell are you?" from someone I hadn't talked to in ages, and "Pissed the bar? Do you mean PASSED the bar? You're drunk aren't you?"), I settled in for a few celebratory drinks and some yummy pizza.

What an awesome night. God is good. I was trying hard to trust that even if I didn't pass, God had a plan for me and that law school wasn't a total waste. But by passing the bar tonight, God affirmed that the path I've been heading down is the path he wants me on, and he continues to clear the way to help me put my passion into action. I'm nervous about being an attorney (since law school doesn't actually teach you how to BE one), but excited to be able to use my legal knowledge to live out my favorite attorney verse:

"Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all the unfortunate.
Open your mouth, judge righteously, and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy."
(Prov. 31:8-9)

The official admission ceremony where the Attorney Oath is administered is on December 4th....so on that day, I'll finally be an attorney!!

Thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement over the last few months while I was studying non-stop for the bar, then nervously waiting 4 months for my results. Thank you for putting up with me constantly backing out of plans and dropping off the face of the planet while studying; and for putting up with the wild mood swings and nervous habits over the last 4 months while I awaited my results. I seriously couldn't ask for better friends.

T-Minus 3.5 hours

2008-11-21T14:44:00.001-08:00

I find out my results for the Bar Exam in 3.5 hours. My stomach is full of knots, I tossed and turned last night, and my whole body is tense. It's terrible that one test can do this to me!

It seems like the whole world hangs in the balance of this test. If I pass, life goes on as I expected, I become a lawyer, will hopefully work for a nonprofit, etc. If I don't pass, it'll seem like my 3 years (and $180k!) in law school was a total waste....and I will have no idea what to do with my life. I guess that's a little melodramatic...if I don't pass, I'll just try, try again come February. Right now though, that sounds like my personal Pergatory. I can't imagine going through Bar Exam hell again.

I'm just trying to trust that God is good, and that God brought me to law school for a reason, regardless of whether I pass or not. It's easy to say that....but hard to feel and believe it.

So...if you see me in the next few hours before I check my results, do me a favor: Don't say "Oh, you're going to pass" or something similar. You don't know that. Only 39% of the people who took the February California bar exam passed, and I'm sure the other 69% had people telling them they were going to pass too. Just tell me you're praying for me and that God has a plan for me, either way.

And if you get this soon, and care to partake in the pre-results novacaine that i'll be indulging in with some friends, we'll be at Bluefoot Bar in North Park from 5pm til I find out my results (via iPhone) and either run out of celebratory steam, or, if i don't pass, until I want to go home and barricade myself in my apartment and eat a gallon full of tear-filled ice cream. Either way, you're welcome to come :-)

Waiting 4 months to find out if a test that determines if the entire course of your education was worth it, is total mental torture, fyi. Kids, if you're reading this, don't go to law school.

Thoughts on Life, Law, Love

2008-09-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

Wow...it's been a long time since I've posted anything.

Life since the Bar Exam has flown by. I enjoyed a solid month of amazing travels....it was probably the best month of my life. I spent 12 glorious days in Hawaii laying on the beach drinking froo-froo drinks, snorkeling with pods of dolphins, exploring tiny Hawaiian towns, touring coffee farms, and my personal favorite, backpacking the Waipio and Waimanu Valleys. Then, with less than 10 hours between trips, I took off for the John Muir Trail to meet some friends to do the last 50 miles and climb Mount Whitney. The scenery was stunning, the company awesome and entertaining, and the hiking was absolutely perfect. We summited Mount Whitney at 5:15am to watch the sunrise from the highest point in the continental US. Perfection. We parted ways in Yosemite, and I climbed Half Dome and then headed out for a solo road trip down Highway 1. I hiked, wine-tasted, explored, ate and camped my way down the coast from San Francisco back to San Diego, stopping in Monterrey, Carmel, Big Sur Cambria, Santa Barbara, Carpinteria, and every little cute town along the way. The whole month was filled with indescribable beauty. I am lucky.

Now that I've lost my vacation-high and am settling back down into reality again, life is a paradoxical mix of stagnation and unpredictability. In a way, I feel like I'm waiting for my life to begin....and I hate the feeling. I'm normally all about living out the moment and making the most out of life, but I can't help feeling like my life is on hold right now. I'm in bar-exam-limbo, along with many of my fellow bar-takers. I'm not yet an attorney, no longer a student. Stuck in waiting-land.

In the mean time, I resigned myself to working a temp job. Doing work that requires no mental capacity and that anyone with a high school education could perform, while holding Bachelor and Doctorate degrees, is demeaning in a way, and definitely not how I envisioned life after law school. It's paying the bills though, and in a way, it's a nice break after the stress of law school and the bar exam over the last three-ish years. For now, I'm just keeping my eyes open for any legal employment, and trying to network with the legal community.

Working full time, even at a menial job like the one I have, is strange and new for me. Working, then coming home and having my time to myself without having to do homework or study, is still a novelty for me. I enjoyed my first weekend as a full-time employee immensely....and now understand the phrase "working for the weekend." On a positive note, my non-working (and homework free!) hours are affording me time to catch up with friends I neglected over the last four months because of finals and the bar exam. Since the bar required all my time, mental ability and emotion, I all but disappeared and missed out on the happenings of my friends' lives. While it was a necessity, I'm feeling the effects now. I feel a little out of the loop, and distant from my community. It's a strange feeling, to feel like no time at all has passed since my life consisted of only the bar exam....but remembering that three months-worth of events occurred in the lives of my friends....events that I wasn't able to be a part of.

Life is strange. Now that I finally have the time to reconnect with friends, I'm finding it a little difficult. I think I learned to get by with little social interaction and rely on myself instead of friends (since I never saw them) while studying for the Bar. Now that same behavior, while a survival mechanism at one point, is a hindrance. I've always been a pretty independent person, so it's too easy for me to continue to be alone with my thoughts. I need to pull myself back out of my shell. My friends are helping pull me out though, and I've definitely enjoyed the beach parties, wine bars, dessert nights and line dancing randomness that have filled up the last few weeks!

While I've enjoyed my time with friends, my life overall feels kind of lackluster, and dull. Anticlimactic. I suppose it's just the post-graduation and post-bar-exam blues. The only way I can analogize the bar exam and all of its intensity is to running a marathon at a sprinter's pace. After crossing the finish line, you're left spent and depleted in every way, wondering if the momentary high of crossing the finish line was worth the 26 miles of agony, having a hard time remembering what made the idea of doing it exciting in the first place. The bar left me feeling utterly worn out; mentally, emotionally and spiritually. When I look at myself just seven months ago, I was passionate and excited about life, my career and my future. The bar kind of stripped that away from me, to the point that right now I'm having a hard time feeling excited about the idea of being a lawyer. In reality, I know that I'll bounce back from this. Deep down inside, I know I'm supposed to be a lawyer. My innate sense of justice, analytical brain, ability to find loopholes in any argument and inability to not consider the legal implications of everything I see, tell me that (and also tell me that I would be ridiculous at any other career). I know this is just one of those "this too shall pass" moments in life.

I guess right now, it's just a little difficult to envision what life on the other side of this stagnation looks like. Perhaps it's because for my whole life, I had a next-step planned out....a course of action that I could count on to get me through the monotony of life. In high school I looked forward to college; in college, law school; etc. My future holds no more clearly demarcated steps now. Life is now unpredictable, and I have no idea when I will get a legal job, or what type of job it will be....assuming I pass the bar. For a life-planner like me (and pretty much every other law student/lawyer), this is a strange place to be.

For many of my fellow law students, engagement/marriage was the next logical step. That, however, definitely hasn't been an option for me. I never wanted to get married until after law school was over, and made dating choices accordingly. I never really considered the fact that my career may be viewed by potential partners as an impediment, until recently, that is. I met a guy a few months ago, and the pre-dating phase was going really well. He was funny, smart, active, ambitious, well-rounded, and outgoing.....basically almost everything I had wanted in a guy. Dating hadn't even been on my radar when I met him. I was completely content being single, but he sought me out and we spent a lot of time together. I let my guard down and started really entertaining the idea of he and I going somewhere, and got excited about dating for the first time in a really long time. In the end, he cited career differences as a reason for ending things. My career....not his. He made an off-hand reference about me working 80 hours a week, and seemed to have an idea in his head of what my career looked like. The conversation went on for a while , and he mentioned him traveling a lot and me not being able to because of work....but overall, it came down to my career as an attorney (a career I didn't even yet have) outweighing anything about me as a person. Lawyer=dating deal breaker. It completely offended my sense of justice that me and my possible future career could be so neatly (and unrealistically) summarized, categorized, and discarded. If he had actually factored my personality and career goals into his lawyer=dating-deal-breaker equation, he would have known that I have no desire to be a corporate attorney, work 80 hours a week, or make partner. I want to be a public interest attorney, work for a nonprofit, and raise a family. The whole experience with him started off amazing, then ended with me stereotyped into a career I don't even have, and don't ever want (not to mention a slew of communication issues that left me feeling more worthless than yesterday's newspaper...but that's a different story). Overall though, it got me thinking about the whole love-and-law interaction.

Or should I say lack of interaction? After that dating fiasco, I started talking to people about love lives and legal careers. I don't like what I've found. One guy friend told me that men don't want to date female attorneys for a host of reasons: the female making more money, having a "better" career....or the kicker: men want to marry nurturers and so are attracted to nurturing professions like nurses or teachers, whereas attorneys are trained to be good at arguing, and "nobody wants to marry a woman who's a good arguer." The first two I can handle. If a guy was too insecure to handle me making more money than him or having a career that traditionally has a high social ranking, then he's a guy I wouldn't consider dating in the first place. The last reason though? Ouch, that hurts. I take offense to it because I consider myself to be really nurturing in a relationship, and have always known that my husband/family will come before my career....but all the justifying in the world won't do me any good if prospective dating partners can't get past me being an attorney. A female attorney friend of mine told me that before she finally met her husband, she would initially tell men that she was interested in that she was a nurse or a real estate agent. It wasn't until she had won them over that she would "confess" her true profession. How sad is it that some female attorneys feel they have to downplay their profession in order to meet men?

I know these are extreme examples...and not all men are like this, but that brings up love-and-law problem #2: while us female attorneys were foregoing relationships to focus on our education, it seems that all the good men who wouldn't be threatened by our professions already got hitched. I had always heard that the higher up the education/corporate ladder women climb, the smaller their selection of suitable partners becomes....but now it's ringing true. I painstakingly hauled my laptop and legal casebooks up every rung of that damn ladder and arrived at the top, sweaty and with $150k in debt, only to find that all the eligible men had climbed back down to marry the less sweaty women at the bottom. Sigh. What's a girl to do?

I know I'm being a bit melodramatic, but all this has been on my mind ever since "lawyer=deal breaker" guy decided that ladder-climbing women weren't his style. All of these ponderings probably make me sound desperate for a boyfriend/husband. Quite honestly, I'm not. I'm having fun being single at the moment. Deep down I trust (or am trying to trust) that if/when I'm supposed to find the right person, God will let me know and it will happen....without me climbing back down the ladder or denying a big part of who I am.

So there's a glimpse into the ponderings of my mind at the moment. As I type this, I'm listening to "Twentysomething" by Jamie Cullum....and the lyrics seem a little apropos:

"love ain't the answer, nor is work,
the truth eludes me so much it hurts;
but I'm still having fun and I guess that's the key,
I'm a twentysomething and I'll keep being me."

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Bar Exam, Day 1

2008-07-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

Well, I survived the first day of the California Bar Exam!

I had a strange sense of peace and calm when I woke up this morning, that luckily lasted throughout the whole day. It increased when one of the proctors, a really friendly older lady, leaned down, made eye contact with me, and whispered "Good luck honey. I'm praying for you" to me. It kind of blew me away. She didn't say it to the other people near me, just me. God thing? Probably! It renewed my peace and was a great way to start the exam.

The security is pretty tight, and we were only allowed to bring in very few "approved" items into the exam room. Most of the items on the approved list seemed fairly superfluous to me....but these are lawyer-types we're dealing with here, so of course some people came with EVERY SINGLE item on the approved list and looked like they were preparing for the Apocalypse. We're talking two pillows (without pillow cases!), a 4X4 inch clock, entire packs of pens and highlighters (even though we use our laptops to take the exam), rulers (we didn't need to draw anything!), footrests, backrests, extra keyboards, and gallon-sized ziplocks full of medicine (the likelihood that someone would come down with a cold, flu, migraine, joint pain, allergies, cough and sore throat in one day was apparently too big a risk for these people). Another item on the list of approved items was "plastic material normally associated with the sport of swimming". Huh? I think it was in reference to earplugs...but i half expected one of the over-prepared-anal-retentive-super-lawyer types to show up with goggles or snorkeling fins. Maybe tomorrow or Thursday ;-)

After wandering through the rows and rows and rows of desks (I heard there were 2,000 people in our ballroom) to find my assigned seat, i was dismayed to find myself sitting next to THE SMELLIEST guy I've ever met. We're talking full on, you-have-to-breathe-through-your-nose-to-handle-it smelly. And i have to sit next to him for the next two days! It's gonna be rough. Maybe i should rub peppermint extract under my nose tomorrow morning or something. Or i could get there before he does and anonymously leave deodorant on his desk. I'll play it by ear :-)

Out of the 3 essays that made up the morning session, I felt pretty confident about Questions 1 and 3, but when I saw the first question, "WTF" was all I could think. (and yes, for those wondering, it comes out in my head as "WTF" and not....you know ;-) ) It was a question that I don't think anyone really anticipated. It was rough. I stared at it for about 10 minutes, trying to rack my brain for any legal concepts even remotely connected that I could throw down and sound at least quasi-intelligent. Not sure if it worked. Guess we'll see come November 21 when we find out our results! I feel pretty confident about the afternoon session...I think I rocked it! Hopefully enough to balance out my morning score!

The most exciting part of the day though, was the EARTHQUAKE!! As I'm sure you've all heard, California was hit with a 5.4 earthquake this morning. I was furiously typing away when the table started shaking and I got irritated and thought it was smelly-boy bouncing his leg up and down that was shaking the table. Then I realized the whole building was shaking....and then people started freaking out. Smelly-boy and a few others jumped up and ran out of the testing room. Other people pushed their chairs back and contemplated getting under the tables or running away. I looked up and saw some ceiling debris falling, but also saw that I was safely located in the middle between two of the giant, swaying ceiling lights, and figured I was safe, so I just kept typing away. It lasted for probably 7 or 8 seconds, and then abruptly stopped. People were still freaked out and there was a lot of buzz going on around the testing room....and then it was back to work. The Bar Exam doesn't take breaks for earthquakes! (I decided there on the spot though that if there was another, bigger earthquake, i was outa there. If I'm in danger, screw the Bar! I'll live the rest of life as a happy, ALIVE mailwoman or something ;-) ) Since it was pretty dramatic in San Diego, I can only imagine how it was for all the LA bar-takers!

I'm pretty sure I jinxed the earthquake. I was talking to a friend last night about earthquakes and how it would be funny if there was one during the bar exam. Oops. I'll make sure I don't talk to him about tsunamis. The testing location IS right off the water, after all. ;-)

Time to review my notes for tomorrow's portion of the exam. 1 day down, 2 days to go! G'nite all!

(Why is a title required?)

2008-06-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

Happy college graduation to my cousin Brian! :-)

Rejection 101

2008-06-05T23:32:00.000-07:00

Spoken by my bar review professor today, in reference to contract formation: "Rejection in the law, like life, is often painfully indirect". Ain't that the truth.

To you men out there, here's some advice: When telling a girl you're not interested, do not give the "God has someone special for you" speech. Just. Plain. Don't.

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Lawyers are funny...kinda sorta

2008-06-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

Lawyers are an odd bunch. Most people think we (I'm including myself in that category as a mental encouragement that i will pass the bar!) have no sense of humor, but that's not true....it just comes out in strange, strange ways. Take the example below- a sample problem taken straight out of my Barbri book in the Contracts section where we were talking about contract-formation:

"Kinky Friedman contracts with 'Lil Jon to perform as the opening act at a crunk show at Town Hall for $15,000. Notwithstanding the contract, the Kinkster refuses to sing unless he is paid $20,000, not $15,000. 'Lil Jon promises to pay Kinky $20,000. Kinky performs. 'Lil Jon only pays Kinky $15,000. Is there consideration for 'Lil Jon's promise to pay the additional $15,000? Is that promise legally enforceable?

Ever think you'd see the words "crunk" and "legally enforceable" used in the same paragraph?

But wait....it gets better:

What if 'Lil Jon promised to pay Kinky the additional $5,000 if he will sing Tom Lehrer's "I am Spending Hanukkah in Santa Monica" instead of Kinky's usual opening song "Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed?"

Oh, silly guest lecturing Barbri attorney. He definitely made class more entertaining today. I find the above question ridiculous and funny in itself....but the Kinky Friedman guy is actually real. (www.kinkyfriedman.com) He's some crazy Texan that ran for governor. Anyway, apparently "Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed" is an actual song! Here are the crazy (and waaaay sexist lyrics) below :-)

"Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed"
You uppity women I don't understand
Why you gotta go and try to act like a man,
But before you make your weekly visit to the shrink
You'd better occupy the kitchen, liberate the sink.

Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed
That's what I to my baby said,
Women's liberation is a-going to your head,
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed.

Early every morning you're out on the street
Passing out pamphlets to everyone you meet.
You gave up your Maiden Form for Lent
And now the front of your dress has an air scoop vent.

Every single brakeman that's ever come along
Had a little woman always tellin' him that he's wrong.
Eve said to Adam, 'Here's an apple you horse'
And Delilah defoliated Samson's moss.

Mean-hearted harpies are breaking all the laws
Tearing up their girdles and a-burning up their bras,
Now the air is dirty and the sex is clean
And your coffee makes my hair turn green.

So damn emancipated in your mind and your body,
Gonna have to cancel all your lessons in karate.
If you can't love a male chauvinist
You'd better cross me off your shopping list.

Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed
That's what I to my baby said,
Women's liberation is a-going to your head,
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed.

I doubt this entertains anyone as much as it entertained me...but in these bleak days of Bar Study, I've got to look for fun wherever I can find it :-)

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Oh.My.

2008-06-04T10:36:00.000-07:00

Gas in San Diego is at $4.69 a gallon now. Holy crap. Wish my bike didn't get stolen...

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The Bar is ridiculous

2008-06-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

I think the people who make up the Bar questions must get really bored. They do have a pretty horrendous job, after all. (Everyone hates taking the Bar, so why would you want to create questions for it? Those people must be sadists who enjoy inflicting the intellectual and emotional pain they suffered onto others. Just a theory.) Anyway, here's an example:

"Wanda's father died after a long illness. In accordance with his wishes, she arranged with Divine Rest Mortuary to bury him next to the body of his wife, who had died several years before. Wanda selected the most ornate casket available and s pared no expense in the arrangements. Because her father's illness had caused his physical condition to deteriorate, Wanda insisted that the casket remain closed during the wake, and she could not bring herself to view the body before the funeral. At the cemetery, however, she decided to view the body before it was buried. She was horrified to discover that the body in the casket was dressed in a clown costume and a bright orange wig. In fact, it was not her father but Zobo the Clown, who had died the same day as her father and had requested to be buried in his costume. Although the mortuary was able to retrieve her father's body and bury it, Wanda was greatly distressed by the episode and suffered nightmares as a result. However, she did not seek medical or phsychiatric care because of it. The mortuary apologized for the incident, but insisted that Wanda pay all of the agreed-to charges for the funeral. Wanda brings an action against the mortuary to recover for her emotional distress. The mortuary is prepared to stipulate to its negligence. Can Wanda recover damages?"

Yes, this is what we're working with. I seriously hope they don't base the Bar questions from real-life cases....good Lord.

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Keep on searching, folks

2008-05-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

I have a blog tracker that lets me keep track of who is viewing my blog. It isn't a very good one, but it at least tells me what key words people used on search engines like Google and Yahoo that led them to my page. It's funny...just this week there have been an astonishing number of hits on my blog from people who were searching for things like "California bar", "bar tips", "how not to become an alcholic during the California bar" (I'm NOT making that one up...scary), "how to pass the bar", etc. To those such people who came to my page looking for sage advice....I offer my apologies. You won't find any of that here :-)

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My random thoughts of the day

2008-05-27T21:52:00.001-07:00

1. Everything about the "Plus Size" Department at Nordstrom is all wrong. Don't ask me why I'm writing about this, or why I've even given it much thought, but every time I go to Nordstrom I ponder this. First off, the department's name is "Encore". Doesn't that just seem like a cruelly ironic name for a plus-size department? Also, its location is all wrong. It's sandwiched right between the juniors department and the petite department. On one side are rail-thin teenage girls who have yet to go through puberty or pack on the Freshmen 15, and on the other side are grown women who have gone through puberty, and still wear sizes 0-4.....even after popping out a few kids. Hellooooo weight complex.

2. Being U.S. Supreme Court Justice Harlan's law clerk would have been the worst job ever. Apparently the Supreme Court justices would have weekly "movie days", popcorn and all, with all of their law clerks and watch all the movies that were alleged to be obscene, in order to judge whether they actually were considered legally obscene (and thus not constitutionally protected). As if being required to attend a weekly porn-watching session with the entire U.S. Supreme Court wasn't bad enough, Justice Harlan was almost legally blind toward the end of his days on the bench....and would require his law clerks to narrate what was happening in the films to him. Yikes.

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You know you're studying for the Bar when...

2008-05-25T23:07:00.001-07:00

Studying for the Bar Exam sucks. No way around that one. My life this last week, and for the next 8 weeks, has been and pretty much will be dominated with studying the insane amount of law tested on the California Bar Exam (the only 3 day bar exam in the nation!). My brain is mush already. I don't think the bar exam actually tests how competent you'll be as an attorney....more like who, out of all the burned-out and mentally exhausted people who graduate from law school, can stand to endure another 8 weeks of even more intense studying and manage to crawl to the finish line.

Studying for the bar is depressing too! After doing hours and hour of hypotheticals and practice questions, the world is already starting to look more depressing. Nothing good ever happens to the people in the bar exam questions:

Everyone who crosses the street gets hit by a car; every doctor botches the surgery; parachutes never open; contracts never get fulfilled; anyone who uses a lawnmower ends up in the hospital; as soon as you write a will your whole family dies; employee benefit plans never pay out their benefits; computers all get viruses; your friends are always intoxicated, stealing your farm equipment, and driving it into the barn; police search you all the time for no good reason; you can never find a good place to hide your weapons; banks never recognize a signature as a forgery; and the forger always flees the country. Not that it's any better for the criminals. Arsonists never burn down what they mean to, thieves always end up murdering someone, conspirators can never convince their fellow criminals to back out, no one is ever given access to their lawyers before questioning, and spring guns go off in everyone's garage, each time killing the neighbor kid who just meant to return the tools he'd borrowed.

Bleh.

I don't want the Bar to totally dominate my life and make me lose touch with everyone or be a bad friend, so I'm trying hard not to let that happen! On that note, though, here are:

***Erin's Caveats For The Next Eight Weeks of Bar Prep: ***

1. If you call me and I don't call you back, it doesn't mean I hate you or am trying to blow you off. Really, right now I'm not even capable of doing something that would take that much thought. It just means that I was probably in the library when you called and couldn't answer my phone, and then I just plain forgot. Either that, or I thought I called you back but didn't. If you do get a phone call from me, just know that for us folk studying for the bar, our time is like Dog Years. A ten minute phone call is the equivalent to spending a a day hanging out. :-)

2. If I forget something important like a time I said I'd hang out with you, something I owe you, or something going on in your life, I'm sorry. The last thing I want to do is make you think I don't care, but my memory has been worse than Dorie's on 'Finding Nemo.' Only so much fits inside my tiny skull, and unfortunately, at the moment it's full of Real Property law, with a little space reserved for basic survival skills, like remembering to eat.

3. I may talk funny. I've got easements, restrictive covenants, executory interests and adverse possession on the brain, so either I've been word-vomiting these out into incomprehensible sentences, or else my basic speaking abilities just shut down and I can't string together a simple sentence. Talking to me is like the Forrest Gump 'box of chocolates': You never know what you're gonna get.

4. Fashion? Probably not gonna happen. When studying for the bar, putting on jeans instead of yoga pants is about as dressed up as I get. Finding clean clothes is a bonus.

5. My primping isn't what it used to be. As the Bar looms ever closer, personal hygiene might start looking more optional than required...learn to embrace the slightly unkempt, haggard Bag- Lady look.

6. I basically don't have a clue what's going on in the outside world. If you try to have an intelligent conversation with me about current events, I'll probably be embarrassed and you'll probably be disappointed or think it's funny. Just ask my prayer group at church this morning about me praying for Burma and China. (Me: Dear God, um, I don't really know what's going on....so please bless... the world? Amen. ")

7. Don't expect any culinary delights from me any time soon. I've basically been surviving off of food that can sit in my car all day without spoiling. I'm pretty sure granola bars, trail mix and rice cakes were intended to supplement meals....not be meals. Without any time or energy to go to the grocery store....fresh produce? What's that?

8. If my hands seem shaky or my eyes a little shifty, fear not, I'm not on drugs. Just coffee. Lots of coffee.

9. If and when we talk about studying for the bar (which we inevitably will, since there's not a whole lot else going on in my life at the moment), please don't tell me I'll do 'fine', or use fine in any other context for the bar (IE, you'll/it/everything will be 'fine'). I know you mean well, but instead just affirm that you know how incredibly hard the bar is, but that my superhuman mental abilities will get me through it....just kidding. Instead, just remind me that God is in control, and tell me you'll pray for me :-)

10. Most important of all though...please still try to hang out with me! I want to keep up with what's going on in your lives too! While you may think that its best to not try to plan anything with me to give me time to study, I need you guys and want to hang out! Even though I may not return your calls right away or be able to hang out nearly as much as I want to, please don't give up on me! :-) I definitely still want to hang out, and definitely welcome the much-needed breaks. Any time NOT studying is automatically a good time, but if I get to spend it with you, it'll be that much better! :-)

****After thinking about it more, I added another caveat to the list....so here's Caveat #11: You should likely expect to see more blogs from me than usual. It's not a product of wanting to blog more than wanting to hang out with all of you....its more that my frequency of blogging and my motivation for studying are inversely proportional. When I'm trapped in the library, the less I want to study, the more prolific my blogs. :-)

Make a joyful noise...

2008-05-22T00:19:00.000-07:00

I've decided that it's completely impossible to be stressed, worried, anxious or sad while listening to Gospel music. Completely impossible. My friend Edwin is in a gospel choir, and they had a performance at St. Vincent de Paul downtown tonight in conjunction with an Art Show with art made by homeless people staying at the shelter, so my community group from church all went down to see it and support him. The performance was amazing!

Edwin's group sounded perfect, and the songs were really fun and inspiring. It was the kind of music that you don't just listen to with your ears, but that you feel with your whole body and soul. The kind of music that just compels your body to move with the beat.

The music met me just where I was at. I was feeling a little short on joy this morning, so while I was sitting out by the pool during my morning talk with God, I prayed that God would fill me with joy and "restore unto me the joy of my salvation." That's exactly what happened. As I was listening to the music and watching the performers rock and sway to the music, heads turned upward to God with big smiles on their faces, the joy I could see on their faces and feel through the music seemed to permeate me and crack through the pieces of my heart that had grown callous and forgotten how joy-filled life in God's family can truly be. That little moment was an awesome reminder of not only God's goodness in giving me a hope and promise to be joyful about, but in also giving me the ability to feel happiness and joy at all. Sweet.

The whole night was perfect. It was a completely eclectic mix of people; homeless people and those who were living at the shelter, people in Recovery, shelter volunteers and supporters, family and friends of performers, kids, and upper-middle class men and women. A total cross-section of life, all packed into a hot and cramped gymnasium, with the one shared purpose of supporting our fellow humanity. Needless to say, I loved it :-)

"New beauty meets us at every step in all our wanderings"

2008-05-10T22:57:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love being outside. Whether it's a full day in the woods or just studying in an outdoor cafe, I'll take what I can get! When I lived at home in Prescott in the mountains I'd often go driving up into the woods or to my favorite lake to just have time to myself to appreciate life again, sort out my troubled thoughts, or spend some QT with God. Particularly at my favorite lake, I had a favorite spot. I'd hike around to the back of the lake, climb down some big rocks, and make myself comfortable in a tiny rock alcove invisible from the trail above. I'd go there to bring God all my troubles. Consider it my 'prayer closet' if you will. I cherished those times, and that place. Now living in the middle of urban San Diego, it's a lot more difficult for me to find a place where I can just be alone with myself, God and creation for a few hours. Not having the mountains practically in my backyard anymore, I think I had sort of lost touch with my love of nature and forgotten what a profound impact a few hours alone with God and nature has on me; restoring me both mentally and spiritually.

I made a point of taking time for that this morning, while I was back home visiting my family in Arizona. I grabbed my Bible, my journal, my camera and my coffee mug (if you know me, you know this is a given!) and headed up a little further into the forest from my house. I hiked a bit off the beaten path and followed the sound of running water until I found a beautiful little stream. I sat down on a big rock right by the stream, and had a good, and much needed, date with God. I soaked in the beauty of my surroundings, and was just amazed that God, who needs absolutely nothing from us, loves us enough even to provide us with inherently beautiful things for our complete enjoyment. God didn't have to make things beautiful...making things useful or efficient would have sufficed, but God chose to give us things not that we just desire because of some need we have for them, but unneeded things whose very beauty almost inherently commands that we stop and admire them, completely apart from any need of ours. God showered us with beauty, completely unnecessary for us to fulfill our function as the Created. How cool is that?

Everything about the moment was perfect. The gurgling sound of the water as it meandered through the riverbed, the sunbeams streaming through the thick pine trees, the featherlight blades of tall green grass swaying around my ankles, and the air? Oh, the air. Nothing to me is better than the smell of mountain air- the crisp clean breeze, earthy rich soil, and sappy pine trees bathed and heated by the early morning sun. My description falls sadly short of capturing even an iota of the essence of the air. Borrowing the words from John Muir, who describes it much more eloquently than I, "the Air was perfectly delicious, sweet enough for the breath of angels. Every draught of it gave a separate and distinct piece of pleasure. I do not believe that Adam and Eve tasted better in their balmiest nook." Basically, it was perfect :-)

Somehow, when I'm outside, God seems that much closer, and I feel that much more like my true self. Removing myself from the distractions, complexities, worries and insecurities of everyday life, and surrounding myself with the beauty God created for us somehow restores a sense of balance and perspective that gets lost in my hectic everyday life. I feel at home. I again seem at peace with myself, my life and my relationship with God, and God again seems vastly larger than I and more loving than I can fathom. I sat there pondering why this is that my heart opens and I seem to experience God so much more intensely outdoors. I came up with a fairly logical conclusion; namely that time away from 'real' life allows me to kind of quiet my brain and hear from God more intimately. I still didn't like that explanation too much though; in thinking that way, even sitting in a room alone for an extended period of time would allow me to quiet my brain to hear from God. I definitely don't experience God or understand God the same way in a room alone as I do outside alone though.

Later, when I got back home and picked up one of the books I've been reading, the answer to my question became clearer. Leave it to C.S. Lewis to explain my own thoughts to me in a manner more profound and meaningful than that of which I am capable. In 'The Four Loves' Lewis writes:

Many people- I am one myself- would never, but for what nature does to us, have any context to put into the words we must use in confessing our faith. Nature never taught me that there exists a God of glory and of infinite majesty. I had to learn that in other ways. But nature gave the word "glory" a meaning for me. I still do not know where else I could have found one. I do not see how the "fear" of God could have ever meant to me anything but the lowest prudential efforts to be safe, if I had never seen certain ominous ravines and unapproachable crags. And if nature had never awakened certain longings in me, huge areas of what I can now mean by the "love" of God would never, so far as i can see, have existed.

Lewis' perspective is so true for me. Certain words that describe characteristics of God or God's actions, such as "powerful", "awesome", "majesty", "beauty", "glory", "mighty", and "wrath", I can best conceptualize through God's actions in nature. Nature provides an amazing canvas on which the characteristics of God are vividly illustrated. And I, for one, am grateful for that :-)

Another food blog

2008-05-09T23:46:00.000-07:00

I love being able to cook for people. I love being able to make something that other people can enjoy..but it's definitely not purely selfless; I get a lot of enjoyment out of it too (as I wrote about a few blogs ago). Tonight, for my mom and sister, I made macadamia nut encrusted tilalpia with roasted asparagus served over a creamy white wine sauce (sorta similar to the meal in the last food blog...I've been on a fish kick lately). I'll definitely add more black pepper and garlic next time, but it turned out pretty good! (FYI though, when chopping macadamia nuts in a food processor, if you grind them too long they'll turn into macademia butter....oops ;-) ) Since the sauce is white and the plate is white it's sort of difficult to see the sauce, but here's the finished product:

Tasty!

'Nuff said

2008-04-20T12:39:00.000-07:00

Relaxation 101

2008-04-17T21:28:00.000-07:00

I so love cooking. After a long day, it's so relaxing to kick off my shoes, put on some bossa nova or sultry 40's jazz, pour a glass of wine, and let the tensions of the day unwind through chopping, pouring, stirring and tasting. There's definitely something to be said about working with your hands. It's therapeutic to be able to kick my brain down a notch and let my hands do the thinking. All of life's problems seem a little further away when my hands are happily occupied with spatulas, garlic presses and measuring spoons instead of case briefs, legal textbooks and highlighters. It's so relaxing.

After feeling overwhelmed by all that life has hurled at me over the three weeks, I needed just such an escape. I made my way to Henry's and happily walked up and down the aisles, losing myself in all the delicious meals at my fingertips, should creativity and culinary skill grace me with their presence. I stopped to admire the bursting plumpness of the deeply hued raspberries, the bridal bouquet-esque broccoli crowns all bundled together, and the juicy watermelons tantalizing me with summer's imminent arrival. I wandered around the store, considering my meal options and their stress-relieving potential. I settled on some juicy strawberries, bright and cheery grape tomatoes, some firm and vibrant asparagus, and some shark meat that, well, looked interesting. What's the fun in cooking without a little element of exciting experimentation, right?

As I was standing at the stove, absent-mindedly stirring, the sounds of the sauce lightly crackling and simmering made me feel a million miles away from anything troubling. Glass of wine in hand, barefoot, and playing in the kitchen was exactly where I needed to be at the moment. (Resist the urge to insert sexist joke here)

All in all, the food turned out pretty awesomely too. I sauteed the shark and grape tomatoes in a white wine/lemon juice/dijon sauce with some cajun seasoning and a hearty dose of minced garlic, roasted the asparagus with olive oil and sea salt and then drizzed a balsamic glaze over it, and made quinoa with chicken stock, garlic and grated parmesan cheese. Delizioso!

Dessert was really simple...just diced strawberries tossed with balsamic vinegar, sugar and cracked black pepper, served over vanilla bean ice cream. (If you haven't tried adding balsamic vinegar and black pepper to your strawberries, try it! It sounds weird but it's SO good. The balsamic vinegar really enhances the strawberries and the black pepper gives it just a tiny kick and balances out the sweetness.) While not all that visually appealing, it was light, sweet and fantastic :-)
Cooking and eating are such enjoyable things, and while I enjoy cooking for just myself too, I think cooking and eating are inherently social activities. There's something about knowing that you're spending the time and effort to create a meal will be enjoyed by the people you care about that makes it that much better. It's kind of a gratifying act of service, if that's not a total paradox. On that note, expect a dinner party invitation from me as soon as I can waive goodbye to law school forever...13 more days! :-)

What doesn't kill us...

2008-04-13T04:03:00.000-07:00

I'm currently sitting at a corner table in Dennys, working on my 6th cup of coffee today, writing a 40 page paper on the Armenian Genocide. It's 4:06am. Fun Saturday night.

Oh, and yes, Dennys has free wifi...oddly.

Satisfaction

2008-04-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

I generally find speaking monologues inserted into worship music to be cheesy, but I really like this one from a Jeff Deyo cd. It gets me every time I listen to it, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately:

"...we've got to get to the point in our lives where we actually belive that God and His desires for us are truly the things that are going to make us happiest. Give us the most peace and satisfy our souls. We talk about this and we know in our minds that its true, but somehow those beliefs don't make their way into our everyday lives. I mean if they did, wouldn't we be different? Wouldn't we act different, wouldn't we talk different?

I don't think it's because we don't want to be happy or that we want to sabotage our own lives... maybe it's just that we don't really trust God. We've got to decide that no matter what the cost we want to be satisified in God alone, in Him alone. I mean, aren't you tired of reading your Bible because you feel like you have to?

I want to want to love Jesus. i want to long to spend time with him, I want to get up in the morning and can't wait to be with Him. Anything in my life that is more exciting and more valuable to me than God, well that thing is an idol. I don't want it to be like that. I want to be like John Piper said in The Pleasures of God, 'God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.' I want God to be glorified so I want to see what I can do to be most satisfied in Him."

"I am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart"

2008-03-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

Lately I feel like God has been pursuing me, beckoning me to know Him better and lose myself in His love. To step off the edge of self-reliance and self-protection, and, sink or swim, to dive into the passionate unknown. To give him not only my head, but my whole heart. To see Him as the ultimate lover of my soul, and be my soul's ultimate love. To live a life of reckless abandon completely encapsulated in God's holy, wild, jealous, all-consuming love. To find my satisfaction and joy in Him, and Him alone. To know my identity is in whose I am, instead of who I am.

Jesus, I am resting, resting, in the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus, I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless, satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings, meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings: Thine is love indeed!

"I heard that chivalry is dead...but I think it just got a bad flu"

2008-03-18T23:49:00.000-07:00

Chivalry is slowly going the way of the buffalo, I tell you. Gone are the days when men tipped their hats to ladies, went out of their way to hold open doors, and gave up their seat to a woman without a second thought. It's a shame.

I experienced a most un-chivalrous moment today, involving a careless man slamming a door in my face while my arms were full and causing me to spill coffee all over my jeans. Being too lazy to write a new and original blog entry, I dug up this old entry I wrote on chivalry this summer, for your reading pleasure (pain?):

************************************

Today I got on the trolley in a rush, one pump awkwardly hanging off my foot from running, suit skirt twisted and nearly backwards, banana in one hand, stacks of papers in the other, frantically trying to hold the sides of my untied wrap-shirt together so it wouldn't fall off me, and there was not an empty seat to be seen. I surveyed the seat-takers, and spotted several businessmen who stared back at me. None of them offered me a seat. Two of them even had their briefcases taking up empty seats! I ended up standing near the doorway and contemplating a strategy for holding on to the pole with one of my already-full hands.

The trolley began moving, and as my pole-holding strategy hadn't quite been accomplished yet, I lurched forward on my already precarious footware. Out of instinct I grabbed the pole to keep from falling, while dropping my banana and letting the top layer of my stack of papers slide to the ground. My papers scattered, and my banana disappeared under a row of seats. I let out an exasperated sigh, and began to pick up my papers. Some of the other passengers who were also standing helped me pick up my papers. They were all women, I might add. The men continued to read their newspapers, chat on their phones, and contemplate the time-space continuum (or whatever it is they do) while staring out the window. None offered to help.

I spotted my banana, tucked forlornly under the seat of a businessman in a power suit (complete with pinstripes and red tie) who was playing with his Blackberry. I squatted down, trying to be careful not to get my khaki suit dirty, and tried to retrieve my banana. It was tucked right up behind Mr. Powersuit's shoe. My arm wasn't long enough to reach it, so I got on my hands and knees, IN A SKIRT, and tried again. Mr. Powersuit looked down at me, then lazily moved his legs, apparently to give me better access to my banana, instead of reaching down and grabbing it himself.

I retrieved my badly bruised, forlorn little banana, and straightened myself up, all the while staring at Mr. Powersuit in disbelief over his rudeness. I guess I was waiting for the situation to dawn on him and him realize the err of his ways. Instead, he just stared at me as if my banana-retrieval mission interrupted his important Blackberry business, and then he resumed said Blackberry business.

As I got off the trolley, I contemplated flinging my banana at him. If he wasn't going to be chivalrous, I didn't have to be ladylike, right? I had a perfect vantage point right at the trolley exit. An unobstructed shot. It could be a run-by fruiting. Common sense, decency (and hunger) stopped me though, so as the trolley doors slid closed, I just gave Mr. Powersuit a final dirty look, and shook my banana at him (ok...i didn't really shake my banana at him, but I considered it!)

What happened? When did it become socially acceptable for men to remain comfortably seated, with their briefcases taking up coveted seats, while women in precarious heels are pitched around on a trolley? When did it become ok for men to only watch, instead of offer assistance, when a woman needs help? (I'm not blaiming this entirely on the male-kind...women's lib and feminism have created a backswing that has taught men that women will be offended by chivalry...but that's a different blog for a different day, my friends) I'm not just thinking of my situation, but chivalry in general. And chivalry/common curtesy practiced by women, too! I'm not some crazy girl who thinks that men should bend over backward to serve us of the female persuasion while we just stand there looking pretty. We're not excused from extending common curtesies to people either! If I see someone who needs help, male or female, I'll help out. When did chivalry become unnecessary and unimportant to society?

Now I know that there are still guys out there who are incredibly polite and chivalrous. To my friends and other males who hold open doors, give up seats in a crowded area, call old ladies "m'am", walk us to our cars at night, carry heavy stuff so we don't have to, and give up your jackets when we're not smart enough to bring our own, I salute you! You are a rare find these days. You may think it goes unnoticed, but in society where few extend chivalry anymore, you stand out, and you are noticed and appreciated. Keep it up! :-)

And as for you, Mr. Powersuit and associates, you may not think that you owe a woman a seat when you rightfully claimed it first (and you don't), or that you're obligated to hold a door open for a woman with two arms who can hold it open herself (and you're not), but some day when someone denies you a common curtesy or a woman refuses to date you (because you're clueless or rude), you'll understand.

Either that, or you'll end up with a banana-sized bruise from a girl far more audacious than I ....

.

Faith and Politics?

2008-03-13T15:46:00.000-07:00

After reading through a couple of my prior blogs, and talking about faith and politics with a few people, I want to clarify the record...I don't want to come across as a "Bush Basher". I greatly respect the difficulty of his position as President, and know that to reach that position, compromises must be made. I don't envy his responsibilities in the slightest. I do disagree with a lot of his policies and decisions though. I know that as Christians, we're called to submit ourselves to the governing authorities (Romans 13:1-2).

Honestly, it's something I struggle with as a Christian. I understand that we're supposed to submit to the governing authorities because they are "no authorities except by God's appointment." But what is a Christian to do when the government goes too far? When we Christians feel that the government is acting in opposition to the Bible, what do we do? I feel the tension between submitting to authorities and living according to Jesus all the time. I think it basically comes down to submitting to authority except when it contrasts with God's word. We submit to those in authority because we see it as actually submission to God, so when the two are in opposition, we submit to God's highest authority.

The Bible is full of strong believers standing in opposition to the government to live out their faith. Daniel refused to defile himself by eating at King Nebuchadnezzar's table, in direct violation of the King's orders (Daniel 1:1-8). Daniel also refused to stop praying when it became illegal to pray. (Daniel 6:7-11). Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were told they had to bow down to an idol, and refused. (Daniel 3:4-12). Peter and John were ordered to stop talking about Jesus, but refused. (Acts 4:19) Paul wrote many of his letters from jail. John wrote Revalation while exiled on the island of Patmos.

I guess I have a really hard time with Christians who submit blindly to the government, quoting Romans 13:1-2, without understand why we're supposed to submit, or what that submission should look like. Many, many horrible attrocities have been committed by governments, but luckily there were Christians who took a stand and lived for what was right. Were Christians in the 1800's wrong for harboring fugitive slaves in violation of the Fugitive Slave laws instead of returning them to their abusive masters? Should Christians not have defended and harbored Jews or resisted in Nazi Germany? Was Martin Luther King Jr. wrong for speaking out for civil liberties and against government politics? The modern day church has done a great job at speaking out against gay marriage and abortion (and I fully support their actions). Nobody really throws out Romans 13:1-2 in response to the church's political involvement in this area....but when Christians like me starting speaking out against our torture or foreign relations policies and the issue of immigration, we're seen as unbiblical by some. I think it's an unfair categorization.

I don't have any easy way of figuring out how to deal with the tension between submitting to the government and living as Jesus did. Some Christians would argue that it means staying out of politics completely and just focusing on living our own lives accordingly. Others believe we should be fully engaged in the political arena and try to legislate from a Christian perspective. I suppose I fall somewhere in the middle. I certainly think that the Bible's call to social justice is designed to be carried out on an individual level...but I also don't think we're supposed to remain politically aloof. And I think that, at times, means speaking out against current politics or decisions. We can (and must) resist the unjust practices of a corrupt law or government but we must do so with respect, since that government is an institution created by God.

It's a good reminder for me to know that our citizenship is first in heaven, and then on earth (Phillipians 3:20). We should order our political involvement accordingly. I think, most importantly, we as Christians should examine our positions and study Scripture carefully, to ensure that our beliefs are dictated by God and not personal opinion, because it's so easy to elevate our personal preferences over God's truth without realizing it. I suppose just the process of writing these incoherent blogs is a way for me to examine and challenge my own beliefs (so if you disagree with stuff I say, let me know in a comment! I'd love to hear it!)

Bush vetoes Anti-Torture Bill

2008-03-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

Well, the No Torture bill that I wrote about in a prior blog was vetoed by President Bush last week, and Congress, in a vote of 225-188, fell short of the 2/3 majority needed to override the veto.

For those who didn't read that blog, the House and Senate voted to extend the torture regulations of the Army Field Manual to the CIA. Currently, the CIA remain free to practice techniques that the international community condemns, and that ultimately amount to torture. If the Army Field Manual were extended to the CIA, the CIA would no longer be free to practice waterboarding, electric shock, beatings, mock executions, using dogs to induce fear, and methods involving sexual humiliation. Yup, that's right, as the law stands now, the CIA can engage in those deplorable behaviors.

It really saddens me that Bush vetoed this bill, and that Congress divided largely among party lines and couldn't override the veto. The US is such a progressive nation, and really sets the bar for the international community in so many ways....but in this way, we fall very short. Our torture practices violate most internationally accepted law. For example, under the Geneva Convention, detainees must at all times be humanely treated, and any form of "physical or mental coercion" is prohibited (Article III, Sections 17, 27, 31). Even people who don't fall under the protection of the Geneva Convention (such as some detainees from third countries), should be accorded protection under Article 75 of Protocol I of 1977 to the Geneva Conventions. This Article prohibits: "'torture of all kinds, whether physical or mental,' 'corporal punishment,' and 'outrages upon personal dignity, in particular humiliating and degrading treatment, … and any form of indecent assault.'”

To make matters worse, in 1994 the United States signed and ratified the United Nations Convention Against Torture. This Convention describes torture as:

"any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a person for such purposes as obtaining from him or a third person information or a confession, punishing him for an act he or a third person has committed or is suspected of having committed, or intimidating or coercing him or a third person, or for any reason based on discrimination of any kind, when such pain or suffering is inflicted by or at the instigation of or with the consent or acquiescence of a public official or other person acting in an official capacity."

Sure sounds like waterboarding, electric shock, beatings, etc violate the Convention, doesn't it? While Bush and most others in favor of giving the CIA wide lattitude to practice torture claim that it is a necessary evil in the fight against global terror, and is necessary to protect United States intelligence, the Convention Against Torture doesn't provide such an exception. In fact, it specifically disavows it:

"No exceptional circumstances whatsoever, whether a state of war or a threat or war, internal political instability or any other public emergency, may be invoked as a justification of torture."

Under international law, any person, whether a U.S. national or a non-citizen, is protected. It is irrelevant whether the detainee is determined to be a prisoner-of-war, a protected person, or a so-called “security detainee” or “unlawful combatant.” The prohibition is in effect within the territory of the United States or any place anywhere U.S. authorities have control over a person. In short, under international law, the prohibition against torture and ill-treatment is absolute.

I just don't understand how Bush and the members of Congress who refused to override the veto can support our government's use of torture, especially in light of the fact that the vast majority of international communities don't support the decision, and we're a signatory to the Convention Against Torture.

Now it's true that some opponents of the Bill have offered explanations for their lack of support. John McCain offers one such explanation, saying : "I think that waterboarding is torture and illegal, but I will not restrict the CIA to only the Army Field Manual." I grudgingly understand his position....but I think finding some middle ground of acceptable torture versus unacceptable torture creates a very slippery slope. Besides, why should the CIA be permitted to practice questionable techniques that (1) our armed forces aren't permitted to practice, and (2) the rest of the international community finds inhumane?

If you at all feel the way I do, take action. Educate yourself on international and US law relating to torture. Here's a great website that breaks the law down in an easy to understand way. If we educate ourselves, we're more effective at keeping our elected officials accountable for their actions. And maybe, just maybe, things will change.

***Side note: [I had a comment about Bush in here, but after talking with a few people and pondering the issue a bit more, I decided to just write a whole blog about it, so see the newer blog after this one!]

I heart my Foley

2008-03-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

I love my grandma, or my "Foley" as I call her. Her last name is Foley, but she lived in Florida for the first few years of my life, so when I met her, I was perplexed, already having a "grandma" and a "nana". Being a quick-thinking (but not so creative) three year old, I dubbed her "Foley", and it stuck. All of us (like 30) grandkids, and even some of her neighbors, call her Foley now. :-)

I'm so lucky that she lives only a few miles from me. We try to get together every other week or so for a "date" and go to dinner, go see a foreign film, or just catch up. I've really learned to cherish these times.

She is such an amazing grandma. She's always been there for me (and I think has made it her personal mission in life to spoil me rotten!). She came to every dance recital, sports match, cheesy school play, and quasi-important life event without fail. Because I always knew she would be at those events, I may have taken it for granted, but now that I'm older, I understand just how priceless a gift that was (and still is!).

Because we're close, I haven't always been on my best-behavior around her. She's put up with a lot of crying, pouting, back-talking, attitude and teen-angst over the years. (She even loved me through that ridiculous identity-confused, Gangster's-Paradise-listening, baggy-clothes-loving, vegetarian-wannabe, I'm-mad-because-my-parents-made-us-move-to-Arizona, 13-year-old-know-it-all stage!) I love her that much more for it!

Since I moved back to San Diego for school and have established a relationship wtih Foley on my own, away from my parents, I've come to love and appreciate her so much more. I've discovered not only what an amazing grandma she is, but what an amazing, strong, insightful, couragous, intelligent, funny, independent person she is. She has tragically had to bury two husbands, both at young ages (20's and 50's). She has raised NINE children. She balanced a career for many years. She's been involved in the lives of more grandchildren and great-grandchildren than I can even count. She's the most selfless giver I know. She's never without a smile or a hug. She's a great listener. She truly sees the good in all people. She's eternally optimistic. She's a beautiful artist. She knows the words you need to hear, whether you know you need them or not. She'll feed you until you burst. She's a true woman of faith. She's your typical grandma, but then she isn't. She travels to Europe by herself. She stays up until 2am. She reads about 4 books a week. She hosts music-and-wine clubs at her house. She can do almost all home-repairs and remodels by herself. She rides upside-down roller coasters.

Basically, she's incredible. She has set the bar pretty high, and I only hope I can be the kind of grandma and woman that she is. American culture seems so backward, since we make it so easy to just forget about the previous generations in all our focus on planning for the future. We don't really, truly respect our elders. We have a lot to be learned from them though. So if you're fortunate enough to still have grandparents who are alive and living nearby, take them out for lunch and get to know them on a deeper level. You might be surprised at what you discover.

Lovely day

2008-03-03T17:28:00.000-08:00

I did NOT have a case of the Mondays today :-)
(not even getting pooped on by a vindictive seagull could ruin this day! :-) )

El Fin

2008-03-02T22:49:00.000-08:00

Sparked by a really awkward moment, I felt compelled to tie up a loose end tonight. Enough was enough. I took a deep breath, simultaneously gathered every shred of self-dignity and let go of all pride, and had the conversation. As I walked away, I kinda felt like God was saying "You go girl!" It felt great. :-)

"Yah....Weh...."

2008-02-28T13:12:00.000-08:00

Early morning bike rides are such a gift from God. :-) The cool breeze fluttering around me, the sound of the loose gravel crunching under my tires, and the smell of orange blossoms absolutely invigorated me as I rode through the still-quiet streets of North Park. As cheesy as it sounds, I felt completely alive. I stretched out my arms and rode precariously hands-free (Meg Ryan/City of Angels style...well, minus the getting hit by the semi truck part!)

There's just something about being outside that makes me feel a little more connected to God. I'm not quite sure what it is...perhaps it makes me appreciate life just a little bit more. Getting outside is kind of hard to do in the middle of urban San Diego, especially in an area like North Park, (and especially if you want to be secluded!) but this morning I found the perfect little spot. I dragged my bike down off the road, plopped down under a grove of shady trees, and just looked out over the awesome view of the downtown skyline. The downtown skyline looked strangely juxtaposed when I considered my peaceful surroundings. It was a beautiful mix of God and man's creation.

I started reading Exodus yesterday (I know, I know, for those of you that I've talked about this with, it started out as Isaiah, then Amos, then Deuteronomy, but now it's Exodus ;-) ), and continued with it today. I've been wanting to focus on all the names used for God in the Old Testament, and how I can better understand God's character by His names. There were several names of God that came out in the chapters I read, but one caught me in particular. In Exodus 3:15 God tells Moses:

"The LORD...this is my name forever, the name by which I am to be remembered from generation to generation."

Nothing seemed too striking about the name "The Lord" since it's so common to us, but it's the Hebrew translation of the word that makes it absolutely astounding to me. The Hebrew translation is YHWH, pronounced "Yoh, Hey, Vah, Hey", or "Yahweh" when condensed. This is also fairly commonly used in Christian circles, but I never grasped the full meaning of it until today. I attended an immigration conference about a month ago, and one of the speakers focused on the meaning of Yahweh. I didn't think much about it at the time, but after studying it more today, I'm amazed. The speaker said that the Hebrew pronunciation of Yahweh mimics the sound of breathing. It's hard to capture that fully in a blog, but try it:

"Yah (breath in)...Weh (breathe out)...."

Interesting, isn't it? The name that God tells us is the name that He will forever be called and remembered by is the one that we absolutely cannot forget, because it comes out of our mouths with every breath. From the moment we're born, as children created in the image of our personal, intimate God, our very first act is to cry out His name. The footnotes in my Bible (NIV) said that this name is the "most intimate and personal name of God in the Old Testament." It completely makes sense that the most intimate name of God is one we can call out with our entire existence.

It reminded me of Psalm 150:6 "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord." By our very act of breathing, literally everything that has breath is calling out God's name. The name of God is the breath that sustains life. I just can't get over how cool that is.

I thought about all of this as a I rode my bike back home. Breathe in, breathe out. Each push of the pedal suddenly became an act of worship as my body called out God's name. Yah-Weh.

God is so amazing.

"Go and do likewise"

2008-02-26T15:42:00.000-08:00

On Saturday I got to go to Jesus, Justice and Poverty, an all-campus conference sponsored by Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. It was cool to be a part of an IVCF event, since I was heavily involved in IVCF in college, and have missed those days. (Though it felt strange to be considered a 'special guest' since i'm out of college!) It was held at First Presbyterian Church downtown. (What a beautiful church!!)

The conference theme this year was "Rehumanization: Through the Eyes of Another", and focused on immigration in San Diego county. (www.jjpsd.org) Since immigration is such a hot-button issue, it's so easy to forget that there are faces and human beings behind the politics. This conference did a great job at unmasking the political rhetoric and showing the human side of the immigration issue. Specifically, the conference dealt with how Jesus calls us to love our neighbors, and what it looks like to live that out in San Diego, with Mexico and immigrants quite literally being our neighbors. Here are some pics from the conference:

Stage set-up

Some student artwork was displayed all over the church. I really liked this one. It reminds me of my life-theme verse(!):
"Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy."-Proverbs 31:8-9

The conference was divided into two sessions. Both sessions had speakers, musical and drama performances, and a hip-hop dance group (who were A-M-Azing). During the middle of the day, students broke into their respective campus chapters and went out to different work sites to learn more about immigration issues in San Diego, and participate in different advocacy or volunteer events. Being a special guest, I got to choose which service project I wanted to be a part of, so I chose the media team since it would mean getting to take pictures to contribute to a documentary of the event, and getting to travel to all the different sites. (so fun!)

Us media team people chose to go out first with the student group from UCSD who went to Border Field State Park to see families interact through the border fence (see my earlier blog with pics from the Mexican side into the U.S.), and observe a big bi-national dance and music festival taking place on both sides of the border. (for more events like this that take place on both sides of the fence to bring people together, check out www.bordermeetup.org)

Students on the bus

The road you would normally take into Border Field State Park was flooded (with sewage water!) so we had to park the bus and walk about two miles down the beach in the sand to the border fence.

Luckily, it was a beautiful day!

Did you know there is a wildlife preserve down at the border? (I didn't!)

As we were walking along the beach, we saw an X-Terra stuck in the sand. The two poor guys tried driving it out on the beach, and it got really stuck. They'd been out there for a while by themselves trying to get it out, so all the students made it their mission to get it un-stuck :-)

They pushed...

and pushed...

and pushed...but finally got it unstuck! The driver owned a Mexican restaurant and offered us free food whenever we wanted :-)

After the two mile walk, we finally made it to the border fence.

Almost looks peaceful, doesn't it?

It was, except for the border patrol, that is.

As soon as we got there they came up to us on their ATV's and demanded an exact head-count and were worried that we might enable Mexicans to sneak across the border (yes, I was offended in more ways than one)

The students got to talk with Mexicans through the fence.

The dance and music festival was great! Bands on both sides of the border played beautiful songs together....

... and women danced the Fandango in sync.

People were passing candy through the border fence, so all the kids were happy :-)

Since the park on the U.S. side was flooded, it was almost impossible to bring any supplies, so people on the Mexican side handed over a pizza! :-)

I think it was a great chance for the students to see how immigration issues are actually lived out by the people most affected- the families separated. After making the rounds at a few other service project sites, we went back to the church to capture student interviews on video and prepare for the second session.

(I saw this sign posted near where I parked, and thought it was too hysterical not to post!)

The students (and myself!) got a tiny taste of what life as an undocumented alien in the United States is like. When it came time for dinner, we were sorted out based on the classifcations given to us on our nametags. Students classified as Citizens and Refugees were allowed to eat in the dining hall, and got to eat off of real plates and had more food than they needed.

Illegals, such as myself, were not allowed into the dining hall, and were forced to brave the cold weather and rain and eat outside in the courtyard. We ran out of our simple food several times, and had to wait around for food to be brought to us from inside.

Some nice "citizens" from inside snuck out chips and salsa to us all while we waited for more substantive food.

Though only a silly little exericse, I think the frustration some of the "illegal" students experienced while having to wait in line to eat cold food, while watching other "citizen" students inside eat comfortably, gave us all a little more empathy to undocumented Mexicans and what their living conditions are like in the United States. (I've said it in previous blogs, but if you want a no-frills look at life as an undocumented worker in San Diego county, rent "The Invisible Mexicans of Deer Valley". It will move you, I promise!)

Both speakers during the morning and night sessions were excellent. The speakers really challenged me on the difference between giving donations, and loving sacrificially. The former is easy and only requires giving your "leftovers", so to speak, and the latter requires meeting others' needs first, even to the point where it hurts sometimes. That's what makes it a sacrifice, after all.

In focusing on loving our neighbors, the conference also challenged each of us to ask focus on how to be a good neighbor, instead of focusing on who our neighbors are. We studied Luke 10:29-37 (Parable of the Good Samaritan), where Jesus doesn't answer or respond by directly telling the rich man who the rich man's neighbors are when asked, but instead just tells the rich man to do as the Good Samaritan did; "Go and do likewise". I think Jesus knew that our first response would be to categorize people and determine who we "have" to love and treat as neighbors, and who we don't. Instead of providing a direct response that we would likely find a way to wiggle out of, Jesus flips it around on us and challenges us to a higher way of living: "Go and do likewise". Jesus is so good at that.

In the midst of a border area like San Diego, where the human face of the immigration crisis is completely visible if your eyes are open to it, Jesus' words can have some serious implications. Let's challenge ourselves to see what "Go and do likewise" looks like for us.

Cuidate de los toxicos in la maquila

2008-02-18T15:20:00.000-08:00

I'm at a loss of words to describe our Tijuana trip on Saturday. I'm still trying to process through it, and the implications of what I think God spoke to me. Since pictures are worth a thousand words (hopefully that applies even if you don't have any photography talent, haha), here are some pictures from the day:

The Border:

Looking through a hole in the border fence to no-man's-land between the two border fences. (Bush is trying to put up a third fence, by the way)

Crosses for people who have died crossing the border

The running death count: Representing the over 4,500 people who have died crossing the border since the border fence was put up during "Operation Gatekeeper" in 1994. Kind of ironic that the year NAFTA made it easier for products and goods to cross the border, we started keeping people out, isn't it?

"The Unidentified...by their government forgotten"

Metales Y Derivados:

An old factory in Tijuana run by Jose Khan, an American who polluted the environment so much, Mexico issued an arrest warrant. Khan fled across the border, and now runs a multi-million dollar business in San Diego. When he left Tijuana, he forgot something....thousands of tons of lead slag and other environmental toxins.

The Mexican government, responding to community pressure, provided (only) $85,000 in cleanup funds. Cleanup efforts have cleared away most of the surface contamination. They're currently filling a large hole with a plastic coating, where they hope to bury the remaining lead.

The only problem? The lead and other toxins have already traveled to Chilpancingo, the poorest ejido in Tijuana, located just down the hill from Metales Y Derivados. The residents there don't get to wear biohazard suits to protect themselves.

Chilpancinco:

Beyond the obvious trash problem, this river is contaminated. Residents say the river can be brown, green, yellow or red, depending on the chemical levels.

The river floods the only road out of Chilpancingo, so cars have to drive through it.

Houses

Kind of hard to believe it's less than a mile from one of the wealthiest cities in the US, isn't it?

CITTAC: Centro de Informacion Para Trabajadores y Trabajadoras, A.C.
CITTAC fights for the rights of maquiladora workers. The maquilas are pretty notorious for inhumane work conditions, anti-union policies, and deprivation of benefits. Even though Mexican laws are great, and are actually more worker-protective than their US counterparts, the Mexican government doesn't enforce the law. When the International Monetary Fund paid off a sizable chunk of Mexico's debt in the 1990's, the IMF required that Mexico not raise it's minimum wage, so in effect, the Mexican government is forced to break its own laws to ensure its economic survival. Since it's almost impossible for workers on their own to succeed in labor claims with the Labor Board or the Courts, CITTAC helps them navigate the process.

Signs in the CITTAC office

Hanging crosses, representing the workers killed in the maquiladoras.

I want this shirt: " Without my work, you're not complete. Without my rights, I am not complete." (I think)

Bienvenidos a los Estados Unidos?

(Kinda sad that this is one of the first things you see when you cross back into the US)

Happy Singles Awareness Day! ;-)

2008-02-14T23:54:00.001-08:00

Valentine's Day and I have had an ambivalent relationship in the past. Some years it's been absolutely wonderful (like 2 years ago when I was totally in love and everything in the world seemed perfect), and other years have been pretty terrible (like last year, when I was in the middle of a drawn out, painful breakup, or the year in high school where my boyfriend broke up with me b/c he cheated on me with a football player. yeah, true story.) Each V-day of my semi-adult life brought either great happiness or great heartache. It wasn't until this year, and even in just these last few months, that I've realized why. My happiness on the holiday depended on whether I was in a satisfying relationship. That may seem like a fairly obvious conclusion since it seems to be the plight of most singles on V-day, but it took me a while to realize. I was looking to the few relationships I've been in to completely fulfill me and give me meaning and satisfaction. They never did. No matter the person or how well they treated me, it wasn't enough. I guess in short, I was dating to fill a relational need that only God could fill.

I think I've finally come around. For the first time in a long time, I'm completely happy and content with being single. I love my life and the passions that God is stirring in me. Since I dated to fill a void before, my world revolved around who I was dating, and I didn't make much time for me and my interests. In my last relationship, I all but gave up what I was interested in. Since that ended, I've been doing things I've longed to do for a long time, and I'm finding myself being comfortable doing things alone that I never would have before. It's fantastic. I feel alive and active and excited and busy. God has blessed me with an incredible community that I'm continuing to grow more and more a part of every day. I love the people that God has put in my life , and I'm learning from each and every one of them. My relationship with God has deepened in new ways too, and I'm starting to get a glimpse of the life God has in store for me, and it's exciting. :-)

I think because I'm at a point where I'm completely content with my life, Valentine's Day this year was a great day, completely apart from any romance. It was honestly really nice to not feel the pressure of finding the right meaningful-thought-provoking-insightful gift and forcing romance. (not that I'm a romance-hater...i'm actually a big romantic at heart :-)) I ended up going out with three guy friends for dinner and a movie. We went to a Vietnamese restaurant, where they indoctrinated me into the Pho-nomenon (yeah...that was a pretty lame joke). I'd never had Pho before, and the 10 page menu overwhelmed me, so I just let Josh order for me. I think I ended up with beef brisket and flank steak pho? Who knows. It was tasty though. We ate our pho (me, accidentally splashing it everywhere) and laughed about The Office, families, driving stick, and other randomness, then went and saw Juno. I consider myself a lucky girl: I got to hang out with not one, but three awesome guys on V-day! ;-)

I think the most meaningful part of the day though, was reading through Mark 15, the pasage where Jesus is crucified. A girl couldn't ask for a deeper, truer love or a better Valentine. :-)

Happy Valentine's Day!

We Are Blessed

2008-02-13T22:11:00.001-08:00

"God, don't give me poverty, nor wealth

just the bread I need for today. Thank you."

That is written on a sign posted in Deer Canyon in North County, a canyon below multi-million dollar homes where hundreds of migrants have lived hidden in the brush for over twenty years. I just watched a great documentary called "The Invisible Mexicans of Deer Valley", that details the lives and struggles of the migrants who live in this little hidden community.

The migrants have faced eviction, discrimination and persecution by the affluent community perched atop in the hills. Apparently lots of teenagers and vagrants go down into the canyon at night and drink and listen to loud music, and the destruction and disturbances they cause are blamed on the migrant workers who live there. The migrant workers try to live as quietly and unobtrusively as possible, so as to avoid attracting the attention of the SDPD or Border Patrol.

The documentary centered around several migrants, who, like most other migrants, had left a wife and children to come to the US in search of work. These migrants were living as simplistically as possible, and in deplorable living conditions, but their concern was making enough money to send home to their families, and not on bettering their own living conditions.

The documentary affected me deeply. It wasn't particularly well filmed, and the narrator's voice was over-dramatic, but as I watched it, I cried. Over the last few months, I feel like God has been breaking my heart for Mexico as a country, and the issues of human rights and immigration in particular. In the documentary, one man was showing the videographer his simple 6X10 shack. His possessions were sparse, but his shack was well kept. Above the threadbare mattress perched on cinder blocks, was a small American flag taped to the wall. For some reason, it really moved me to see that. I think we, as Americans, completely take for granted all that we have available to us here. Regardless of political views and thoughts on government, we're privileged to live in this country. It's so easy to focus on all the flaws in our political process and economy (and I'm the last person to deny that there are tons of problems), and we lose sight of how lucky we are. I know I do. Seeing the American flag proudly displayed in a humbly-furnished shack made of garbage bags and scrap lumber, in a canyon overshadowed by tremendous wealth, reminded me. We are privileged. (and that comes with social and moral responsibility...but I'll save that post for another day.)

I think what affected me the most in the documentary was the unwaivering faith of many of the migrant workers. It completely humbled and shamed me. Despite many of their horrendous hardships, including riding the Death Train and fighting off INM and the Mara Salvatrucha gangs when traveling through Chiapas, the Southern-most Mexican state (see the Wetback documentary or read Enrique's Journey), these migrants have a strong belief that God is taking care of them. Instead of focusing on all the attrocities they've faced along the way, and the deplorable way they're treated once they enter the US, they focus on the ways God has provided for them and kept them safe along the way. It's inspiring. One mentioned that all of the hardships he's faced are challenges from God. He said God puts him in situations and it is up to him to decide if He's going to act in the way God wants, or try to do things on his own.

Since the migrants are a largely invisible population in San Diego, and especially in North San Diego, they created their own chapel in the depths of Deer Canyon. It was a beautiful little outdoor chapel, nestled under large, shady trees, and complete with an alter, large cross, and pews roughly hewn together with scrap lumber. The migrants would trek to the chapel from all parts of the canyon every Sunday for a worship service. Human rights workers and members of a Catholic parish in the area would provide spiritual services and a hot meal to the migrants. I write about this in the past tense, because it was destroyed. All of it...the migrants homes, and the beautiful chapel. Land developers bought the land to build more multi-million dollar houses, forcing the migrants out of their makeshift houses. (For a more in-depth look at all this, see 'Invisible Chapel'. It's being screened at my school in a few weeks....let me know if you're interested) While I'm not saying it's wrong for the land to be lawfully purchased and developed, I think it's ironic that the developers had been consistantly hiring the canyon-dwelling migrants as day-laborers, relying on them for cheap labor to complete the housing developments that later pushed the migrants out without a thought.

But, I digress. I started writing about the migrants' faith. It really did humble me...I think that's why the documentary affected me so greatly. I can get so caught up in my circumstances that I complely lose sight of God and the ways that He's blessed me immensely. I get caught up in the petty, insignificant problems of my life like bad hair days, law school stress, and whether I can afford my frequent latte-habit. I am a silly, typical American girl sometimes, and it embarasses and shames me. God did not design me to worry about petty problems. That becomes so apparently clear when I compare my circumstances to those living like these migrants in the canyon. One migrant said that he was most happy when living simply, in total dependence on God. It was after saying that, that he led the videographer to the canyon sign I quoted above. I hope to learn to live like that too.

I think God is working on that, in me. Since I moved out to California 2.5 years ago and took a "faith hiatus" (to put it mildly) for a while, I have layers of materialism and insecurity that God is slowly scraping away. I think in this process, God is showing me where my true identity lies, and how completely unrelated that is to what type of clothes I wear or the material possessions I've made a habit of surrounding myself with. If I could categorize my life over the last nine months, I would say it's been a period of "stripping away". Painful, but good and necessary. Old habits die hard though, and I find myself vacilating between periods of totally opening myself up to God and what he wants for me, and holding tightly to the things I've used to define my life, as a sort of safety-net. It's a good thing God accepts us as works-in-progress :-)

I'm so excited to see what God is going to do with all these passions building up inside of me. Right now I feel full of ideas...and slightly helpless. I want to graduate and be an attorney and have some teeth to put into my actions. I want to make a difference, in whatever way God wants to use me. (I just hope he clues me into that plan pretty soon...haha) I'm wondering if it's a coincidence or a God-incidence that a few months prior to my church deciding that we'd like to focus our international ministry on Mexico, I started developing a huge passion for the region and culture. I'm excited to see where this all leads.

I've pretty much lost the point of this blog, once again getting caught up in the immensity of my thoughts at the moment. I doubt anyone will read down this far, anyway :-) But if you do...consider the documentaries I mentioned....they'll open up a whole new world of thought for you.

****Sidenote: The Interrogation Tactics reform bill i mentioned in my last post passed!! The Senate passed it 51-45, so all of you who sent emails to your Senators...it may have helped! Bush is threatening to veto it (ugh), so I'll post more info as I find out more. ***

Speak up

2008-02-12T15:42:00.000-08:00

Did you know that the White House and the CIA admitted that they broke the law by directing CIA agents to torture detainees? They admitted to waterboarding, denying pain medication, mock-burying and many other cruel and abusive interrogation tactics that the rest of the international community considers inhumane and a violation of the UN Declaration of Human Rights (which the United States is the only country in the UN not to sign, by the way). You might think it's a good thing that they admitted it. It would be....if that meant they acknowledged a wrongdoing and weren't going to do it again, but that's not the case. Government officials have said that they reserve the right to authorize CIA agents to commit these types of war crimes (yes, they're war crimes) in the future, in the name of national security.

The problem lies with the applicability of the US Army Field Manual on Interrogation (FM 34-52), a manual dictating how military interrogators can conduct effective interrogations while conforming with US and international law. The manual is (arguably) very good, but it only applies to the Army: CIA agents are currently free to practice whatever interrogation tactics they want. There are hundreds of detainees in Guantanamo Bay and Iraq to whom the CIA has admittedly refused to extend the protections of the Geneva Convention. Basically, because the manual was written specifically to the military and not the CIA, the CIA can simply circumvent it.

Michael Posner, the director of Human Rights First, put it best: “Until the President makes it absolutely clear that no U.S. personnel, CIA or otherwise, can hold prisoners in secret and cannot engage in practices that reach the level of cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment, the U.S. can simply hold prisoners in non-Army facilities outside of the Red Cross’ reach and without proper legal protection . . . .[t]he President must make an unequivocal statement rescinding all policies authorizing any and all interrogation techniques that offend human dignity and constitute violations of the law.”

The House of Representatives recently voted to extend the provisions of the Army Field Manual on Interrogation to cover all detainees in US custody. Now it's the Senate's turn.

The Senate votes tomorrow on whether to agree with the House and establish a clear standard of human treatment for all detainees in US custody. It's rumored that the vote could be close. Because of that, it's important that we let our Senators know tonight and tomorrow morning that the United States should not continue to operate outside the realm of law that the international community considers a right inherent to every human being.

Human Rights First has an online campaign where you can just imput your name and address, and it will generate a letter to send to your personal Senator. It's super easy, and takes about a minute to do, so send one and let Diane Feinstein know that we don't agree with the human rights abuses of US detainees! You can send the letter here:

http://action.humanrightsfirst.org/campaign/etn_cia2?rk=M7es%2dAd12GUvE

Te amo, Tijuana

2008-02-10T15:02:00.000-08:00

I had to the opportunity to go on a human rights oriented tour of Tijuana yesterday. It was an amazing experience. I'm embarassed to say that, despite having grown up in San Diego, I hadn't been to Tijuana before yesterday. I have a huge passion for human rights, and within the last few months have become (borderline obsessively) interested in border issues as well, so the tour was the perfect opportunity to check out Tijuana. Here's a photo tour of my day:

After crossing the border, we stopped at El Instituto Nacional de Migracion. When people get deported from the US back to Mexico, this is the Mexican department that checks people back into Mexico. If people don't have papers or aren't authorized to be in Mexico (like many who are migrating from Latin America), then INM detains them. If they have permission to be in Mexico are are Mexican citizens, they just get checked in, and then released into Tijuana. (strange to think that Mexicans care about who's entering their country too, right?)

We were so privileged to have Victor Clark-Alfaro, a well-known human rights activist, meet us at the border. Victor is responsible for a lot of what we know of human rights violations that occur in Baja, and works with many non-profits in Tijuana to prevent injustices. Because of his work, he threatens the status-quo in Mexico, and has been threatened many times. He's had a bodyguard for the last 13 years. Victor and his bodyguard spent the whole day with us :-)

Our transportation

We travelled to the Zona Norte, Tijuana's red light district. As with the red light districts in any city, Zona Norte is the big prostitution area in Tijuana, and has become nortorious for drugs and violence in recent years as well. We met with women from El Proyector Maria Magdalena, a group of sex workers who have formed an informal union to protect themselves and learn about disease prevention. They were amazing to talk to. They were very forthcoming and didn't mind talking about their profession at all. All of them said they worked as sex workers (the proper term, the word prostitute is offensive to them) for lack of a better option. All of them had children, and most of them had not finished even primary school. Many of them had worked in the maquiladoras before, but said the working conditions were terrible and the pay was not enough to provide for their families. Interestingly, all of the women worked during the day time. They said they all devoted nights to spending time with their children. None of their children knew of their profession. Through their informal union they've accomplished great things. They said before they organized themselves (with the help of Victor Clark Alfaro), they were harassed by the Policia Municipal and were forced to either provide sexual services to the police or pay them to stop harassing the women. Now, the police know not to harass them.

After that, we went to El Centro De Madre Assunta, a shelter for women and chidren migrants who were either deported from the US, or who are travelling to the US to stay in while they figure out their next step. The Center offers medical, psychological and social services help to all of the migrants, as well as free room and board. It's supported by the Catholic Church, so it was a very nice shelter. The nun who gave us a tour and spoke with us was an amazingly kind women who had such a radiant passion for people that it was completely inspiring. She was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and told us that habits are "Old Testament style". :-)

We got to meet with a woman staying in the shelter who was trying to migrate to the US from El Salvador to reunite with her family who was living in LA. She tried to jump onto a train in Honduras, fell, and was sucked under the train. Many migrants from Central America take the train for as long as possible to avoid walking, but they're very dangerous. They call the train "El Tren de la Muerte" (The Death Train) because so many people fall and are killed or injured. The woman who spoke with us lost most of her left foot in the accident, and spent four months re-learning how to walk. She's now unable to walk across the border, so she said she's going to have to pay a coyote (the guides who sneak people across the border) upwards of $4,000 to get her across the border in a way that doesn't require much walking. It was really interesting to see the human side of migration. It's so demonized these days, and i think people lose sight of the fact that the people migrating are just that: people. Real people with real stories who experience real tragedies, and just want a better life.

Then we went down to Las Playas Tijuana, the beach where the border fence extends down into the ocean, separating Mexico from the US. On the US side is Border Field State Park, a state park that most San Diegans don't know about. The park is beautiful and has tons of walking trails (though beware, it's down a mile long dirt road that they close when it floods. I tried going last Saturday and had to walk it!)

Many familes who are separated from their loved ones meet at the border fence on Saturdays, and have picnics through the fence. I sat near the fence and watched a family for a few minutes. It was quite moving to see the family members interact. Some of the kids were skinny enough to fit through the bars, so occasionally the daring kids would squeeze through to give a family member a quick hug. The adults were less fortunate, and had to make do with awkward embraces through the border bars. It made me sad to watch. Some people live this way for years, meeting up once a week through the border fence, until they can reunite. This girl was talking to her mom through the fence. Her mom works and lives in the US to support her family in Mexico. They meet at the fence weekly, too.

It was such a strange thing to see people separated by only a few inches, but living worlds away. It's hard to put into words how it made me feel. Something you have to see to really feel, I think. El Otro Lado: Los Estados Unidos

After touring the border fence area, we ate lunch at a great little restaurant right on the beach, with a fantastic view. We enjoyed comida fantastica, and listened to the sounds of the surf while we discussed human rights in Mexico. I got to sit next to Victor Clark Alfaro and talk more in-depth with him too. Human rights discussion, tasty food and the surf? What a perfect way to spend the lunch hour.

After that, we made our way back to the border crossing and chatted while we waited for about twenty minutes to cross back into the US. It was a fantastic day.

"May the winds of peace blow". Let's hope this comes true some day.

***I'll be going back to Tijuana this coming Saturday (the 16th) to do another tour, this time of the maquiladoras and the surrounding barrios that have been environmentally damaged by the maquiladoras. We'll also be meeting with several human rights groups that have helped the maquiladoras fight for better working conditions and protect themselves against environmental toxins. It should be another fantastic tour. Let me know if you're interested in going!

I heart ethnic stuff

2008-02-09T00:33:00.000-08:00

After driving by North Park Produce and pondering its name with its City Heights location a few times, I randomly decided to stop by and check it out today. I loved it! I guess it's best described as a tiny little ethnic grocery store. Ethnic both in terms of customers and goods sold. I heard conversations in German, Spanish, Chinese, Korean, Arabic, and a few others I couldn't even begin to guess the origins of :-) The store had a good halaal meat section, tons of produce, every kind of ethnic bread you could want, and a killer spice section. The spices came in decent sized bags and were $1.29 each. (curse Ralphs for charging me $4.99 for a tiny container of bay leaves!) I totally stocked up. They also had tons of fresh spices like basil, tarragon, oregano, mint, and lots of others for FIFTY CENTS a bundle! That, folks, is A-mazing. Grocery stores charge like 2 bucks for a few basil leaves. Some of the produce looked a little wilted, probably because they don't douse the produce with all the waxy preservative sprays that the chain stores do. (Next time I go in I'm going to ask when they usually get their produce shipments.)

After scoring some curry powder, I decided I wanted to make chicken curry. I found some coconut milk, tomatoes, an onion, a chili pepper and some basmati rice for super cheap. All in all, the curry, minus the chicken, cost me less than THREE dollars to make, and it made about ten servings. Awesome. (Having never attempted to make Indian food before, I was pleasantly surprised that my curry totally rocked. Go me!)

If you like feta cheese, North Park Produce is the place to be. Their cheese counter in the back had at least ten different varieties of feta from all over the globe. I didn't even know feta had varieties...i thought it was a variety of something else. Learn something new every day! They also had a killer olive bar that definitely blew the olive bar at Henry's away....if you're into olives (they make me want to vomit, but i appreciate their delightful colors nonetheless :-) )

I think the best part of my whole trip was walking down the tea aisle, and finding a certain Apple tea that we drank all the time in Turkey, that I haven't found anywhere else yet. Buying it made my heart smile. It brings me back to sitting in little outdoor garden cafes in Antalya, listening to Tarkan blare through the stereo, sipping the tea out of tiny teacups, smoking nargile (hookah), and discussing world politics with my intellectual Turkish friends. Happy, happy Erin. :-)

Or maybe the best part of my trip was the price....less than $17 for five bags of groceries! This place is great if you've looking for certain hard-to-find ethnic foods, as long as you don't mind a no-frills store (read: no heat/AC, hand written price signs) or the slight scariness of City Heights (though I personally don't think it's that scary...I was even there right at closing time and felt fine...and they have a big beefy security guard ;-) )

North Park Produce is pretty unique, even within the already-unique ethnic grocery store realm. I highly recommend it! Check it out. It's on the south side of El Cajon blvd at Winston street, between the 15 and the 805.

memories

2008-01-28T11:49:00.000-08:00

As I walked into Panera in Point Loma today, an overwhelming feeling of discontent, wistfulness and melancholy came over me. It's strange how our minds attach memories with certain places, no matter how insignificant the place may be. I came to this Panera pretty consistently during a not-too-long-ago time in my life where my relationship at the time was messy and complicated,my relationship with God was unsettled, and God was stripping away people and things from my life without me knowing it. It was a painful time. I sit here at the same table I used to sit at, and I feel myself slipping back into that time. I feel the same insecurities, the same urge to escape what my life had become, and the same sense of vague impending doom settle over me like the hazy smoke drifting from the kitchen.

I'm at Panera now a changed person, but the memory of that time lingers around me as I sit in the same chair and sip the same coffee. The sound of the cash register clanging and the smell of fresh baked bread are too familiar. My senses fight to overtake my reason and betray who I am, drawing me back to who I was. Life is strange.

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
Behold, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
Isaiah 43:18-19

yeaaaah.

2008-01-27T22:52:00.000-08:00

After putting on my makeup on Thursday morning, I noticed a new freckle, right on the end of my nose. This isn't a horribly uncommon occurence for me. SinceI have pretty pale skin, whenever I'm exposed to the sun for even a short period of time without sunscreen, I get a few new freckles as parting gifts. I had fallen asleep while reading at the beach on Wednesday afternoon, so I figured my new freckle came from my beach day. I just kinda sighed like an adolescent discovering a new zit, and went on with my day.

Later that day I went to Sephora to return some (overpriced) makeup. I got distracted by a Sephora employee who was trying to sell me some "beauty elixor". She examined my face pretty carefully, and gave me sort of a weird look at one point. I figured she was looking at my newly arrived and ill placed freckle, and got self conscious.

I walked over to a nearby mirror to check out my unwanted facial intruder. (Sephora has large, brightly lit makeup mirrors located plentifully througout the store. I suspect it's to make you painfully aware of all your facial flaws so you'll buy all the overpriced makeup to make yourself feel better. But I digress.)

As I looked in the mirror at the big freckle on the end of my nose, something didn't seem right. I leaned in and looked closer, and that's when i discovered it. The freckle was no freckle at all...it was a small piece of chocolate from the peppermint patty i'd eaten earlier that morning, that i must have inadvertently smudged on my nose, and then put makeup over. yeaaaaah.

Happy MLK day

2008-01-21T18:03:00.000-08:00

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Dr. King

Happy MLK Day, blogging world. Today is a fantastic day. I'm reminding myself not to look at today as a holiday and a break from school, but a chance to remember an amazing man, and challenge myself to live out his ideals. So often I think in white culture MLK is seen as a black activist, and we're inspired by his speeches, but his message fades away from our minds with his speech. It's much easier to listen and appreciate, than go out and try to live it.

I was fortunate enough to be able to attend the MLK All People's Breakfast put on by the Center for Social Advocacy downtown this morning. I scored a ticket through a random connection with a Prof in the Ethnic Studies department at USD, despite the fact that I'm not an ethnic studies student, nor an undergrad. (I'm starting to see the perks in networking!) I felt so fortunate! It was a great opportunity to meet a ton of interesting people in all sorts of civil/human rights work. The speakers were all phenomenal. The singers and performers were amazing. And Odetta was there!! It was really great to see her in person. Hearing her speak made the Civil Rights era really come to life. This woman is THE musical icon for that time. MLK dubbed her "The Queen of American Folk Music". She was a part of the March on Washington where MLK made his famous speech at the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. She sang that day, and recorded "We Shall Overcome" right there on the steps. Listen to it. It's powerful. Even at 78, she's such a strong, amazing woman. (I wish she'd sang though! She saved the singing for tonight for a Benefit Concert)

I can't tell you what a happy feeling it was to look around the huge hall and see such a diverse group of people. It was amazing. It just makes my heart feel a little more full. Toward the end of the breakfast, a black youth gospel chior sang "We Shall Overcome", and everyone joined hands and sang together. Although from an outsider's perspective it probably looked really cheesy, it moved me to tears. I looked around and just focused on the chain of hands moving around the room. The hands belonged to every shade of the skin color spectrum, and it was simplistically beautiful. God truly is the inventor of diversity.

After that I went to the first day of a 4 day immigration-reform conference called "Developing Hearts That Yearn For Justice". Today's part of the conference was at USD, but then the rest of the conference was going to take place in Tijuana, where the attendees will tour the slums, interact with migrant workers, and sleep in homeless shelters. It's a faith-based conference, so I was excited at the prospect of being around other Christians who share my heart for social justice and activism. Unfortunately, my excitement turned to a vague, unsettled feeling.

I can't pinpoint exactly what made me feel unsettled. I think it had more to do with a general perception I got that God was collateral to social justice. I didn't get this perception so much from the attendees, but from the first speaker. Now it's true that people who aren't committed to God can be incredibly dedicated to social justice, and accomplish amazing things. I'm not denying that. But I think in a community of believers, God is the inescapable cornerstone of social justice. God created social justice. God loves all people, and if we love God, we should feel the outpouring of God's love for other people through our own lives. The speaker, though, focused on eliminating "dualistic thinking" as the major method for developing a heart that years for justice. It became self-focused, instead of God-focused. The best way to develop a heart that yearns for justice, I think, is to grow to know God's character and allow our hearts to be broken by the things that break God's heart. When our hearts reflect God's heart, it seems that a yearning for social justice is inevitable.

I think part of my unease may have also been because the crowd there. As a generalization, the vast majority of the crowd was white and looked retired. Now I realize that committing 4 weekdays is a deterrent to any working person, so the composition of the conference probably reflected that, but I was still surprised at the lack of diversity. I felt out of place, even being white myself, on my own college campus. Throughout the course of the lecture, I sensed an "us versus them" sort of mentality hidden beneath the encouraging words and loose scripture references, even despite that mentality being expressly disavowed. I absolutely don't think it was intentional at all. I don't doubt that everyone there had a genuine desire to serve the less fortunate. I think it was more of a paternalistic approach, sort of a "we're going to try to come in and fix your problems" idea, instead of a recognition that the problems different groups face aren't problems solely for that group, but problems that plague humanity as a whole. I read a quote by an old Aboriginal woman once, that was her response to relief workers coming to aid the plight of the Aboriginals. I can't remember the exact quote, but it was something to the effect that if relief workers were coming as objective parties to try to fix the Aboriginal's problems, they weren't welcome, but if they came acknowleging that they were inextricably bound to the Aboriginal's suffering by virtue of shared humanity, then their help was wanted. It struck me, because I think it's a very common Christian approach.

When Christian churches and groups actually do feel God's heart for social equality and human suffering, it usually seems to be acted out in an us-versus-them approach, where we go down into the trenches for brief periods of time to help with other people's circumstances, and then retreat to our own lives, feeling absolved of our Biblical responsibilty to fellow humanity. I think until Christians can fully understand that racial inequality is not a black verus white problem, and that poverty is not a rich versus poor problem, but that these are human problems, and we are all equally responsible for both their causes and solutions, Christians can't be fully effective at social justice or truly understand God's heart. I think this might be a reason I felt more comfortable, and identified more, with the predominantly non-Christian social activists at the breakfast than with the Christian group at the conference. The social activists considered themselves equal with the oppressed, and spoke not in terms of "us" versus "them", but spoke as "we". Just that simple difference in words conveys a powerful difference in meaning and identity.

I also think that when Christians do act, it can easily be with mixed motives. The desire to do something genuinely good is present, but the desire to dirty our hands is also there, so we can come back feeling like a hero, or absolve our guilt about the state of humanity. This isn't a problem specific to Christians...it's a problem with human nature. It just seems more relevant to Christians because God looks not only at our actions, but at our motives...and we know this. We have advanced warning that our motives count. A good deed becomes perverted when the focus shifts from helping someone in need to looking for what we can get out of it. (That's not to say I think we won't personally get anything out of helping others...just that it shouldn't be our motivation for it.)

I'm by no means saying this as a disinterested observer. I find myself pursuing things after God's heart, while simultaneously focusing on how I'll benefit from it. Stupid things, too. Thoughts of excitement and adventure and plumped resumes and ego boosts and bragging rights. I lose focus. Luckily, God has an affinity for using broken, messy and imperfect people for his purpose. When he allows us that chance, and we accept, we're given a glimpse of a humanity that is encapsulated in God's amazing, incomprehensible, undeserved love, and it changes us. I think that's when we better understand God's heart, and can truly yearn for justice.

Happy MLK day.

Hello, world

2008-01-21T00:23:00.000-08:00

My blog has arrived.